We've already established that anger is neither good nor bad. The fact is that we all feel anger at one point or another. It is a healthy emotion in as much as any of our other emotions are. But there are many kinds of anger. Frustration, aggravation, being peeved, mildly upset, enraged...all of these are anger.

Anger often goes hand in hand with other emotions, too, and often it is those other emotions that let us know that we are getting angry. Fear and worry are examples, and it is often easier to see fear and worry that it is to see anger in ourselves. The other emotions actually feed the anger, make it stronger, and enable it. Lessening those other emotions also helps us to turn the anger to productive pursuits.

Much of the fear and even anger is based either on the past or on the future, rather than on the present. A psychologist friend that I work with actually uses this fact when he counsels married couples who are fighting. He tells them that either of them can talk about anything, EXCEPT for anything having to do with the past or the future. He then proceeds with showing them how almost all of their arguments have to do with things that have already happened and cannot be changed, or those things that haven't happened yet and so have no basis in reality. In other words, he teaches them to live in the "now" rather than in the "then" or "will be".

I think that this is a valuable lesson we can all learn from. Next time you feel fear, pain, or anger, ask yourself...are you responding to something that has already happened and that cannot be changed? Are you responding to some future event that hasn't happened yet and may or may not happen? Or are you responding to something in the now? If you aren't responding to something in the now, the fear, pain, or anger isn't very important. Yes, easier said than done, but it is yet one more tool we have for controlling our anger and other emotions, rather than letting them control us.