I feel inspired to share my experience and escape from my abusive marriage, in hope that it may make a diiference in someone's life to find the courage to end an abusive realtionship.

I was divorced from my first husband and had a child of 3 years when I met my second husband. He was a model and went to school to become an interior designer. I was fascinated by his looks and his great taste for Art and design.

Shorty after we met signs started to show up and I was aware of them, but ignored them. Mainly for two reasons: One he carried me on his hands and two I did not want to see them....I was in love.

A half a year into our relationship I got pregnant and for the first time we had a fight. In this fight he fist layed hands on me. He "only" pushed me...but that was enough for me to separate from him.

But we got back together. He appologized and I was pregant with his baby. We went on a mini vacation and had long talks.

Everything went well and he was truly a caring father to my first born and a loving partner to me. Then the baby was born.

One day while breastfeeding my baby, he came home and came straight at me a hit me in my face. Without any reason.

I separated from him again....this time for good. But I could not keep him out of the house. Once he came over the balcony (I lived in the third floor) and once he broke open the front door. When he was on the balcony I called the police...when he broke down the door it happened too fast and he beat me good. He wore cowboy boots and kicked me in my face and all over my body.

But that was not the worst. My kids (1 year old and 7 years old) stood there screaming watching everything. I did not feel any physical pain but the pain seeing my kids standing there watching this and me not able to help them...was beyond expression.

I ended up in the hospital and my kids went with my sister until I was released.

I moved out of that appartment and only returned to get my stuff. I got an appartment immediately that was "unlisted" through a protection program they have in Germany.

Then about 2 years later he found us. While shopping for food one day at a local grocery, I heard a voice from behind me... do you need help with carrying? My heart sank to the ground. I was scared to death and did not know what to do.

The police in Germany will only act if someone is actually harming you at the moment. At that time there was no protection plan set up like here in America with a restraining order. I was on my own.

I did not know if he knew where I lived and where the kids were. So I started a conversation with him as my mind was still going like crazy thinking what to do. Back then they didn't even have cell phones!

He walked me home and I told him that we could try it again but it would be best to keep separate households for now. He agreed.

We evn got married and had another child, but the fear was still there and the abuse...and me working on a plan to get out..and get out for good. I lived a double life.

The kids and I decided that the only way we could "loose" him was to go to America. We went for a vacation first to check things out. Then when we came back to Germany we started to plan our move...which was more like an escape. I told the kids ( the two older ones) that they could take along whatever they liked, but try to narrow it down. I had 11 large boxes that I hid in the attic.

I sold everything I owned, but told everyone that they could not pick up the pieces (furniture, electronics, washer & dryer and so on) until I was gone. I gave one of them the key to the appartment and canceled my lease.

Then the day of our departure came. My husband went to work.... soon after the boxes were picked up and soon after that, the taxi arrived to drive us to the airport.

None of us talked in the Taxi. It was like we were holding our breath. Once in the airplane we released the stress and all of us cried.

I know how hard it is to end an abusive relationship, but noone deserves to live under fear. My kids gave me the strenght I needed. I knew that if I did not say "no" to this abuse, they would take it for a "yes". Find what makes you strong...and then do it! You deserve it!

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May your awareness be perfection