What My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just
finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the
middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
accident."
(However, Bill Cosby counters with, "But mom, if I'm in an
accident, I won't HAVE clean underwear!")

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would
you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times... Don't
Exaggerate!! !"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. And I
can make another one, just like you!"

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!

__________________
"Philosophy is a walk on a slippery rock
Religion is a smile on a dog."

This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, 'It's okay honey, Mommy's here.'

Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying babies who can't be comforted.

This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.

For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes. And all the mothers who DON'T.

This for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.

This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors.

And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars.

And that when their kids asked, 'Did you see me, Mom?' they could say, 'Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world,' and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens.

This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat.

For all the mothers who read 'Goodnight, Moon' twice a night for a year. And then read it again. 'Just one more time.'

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls 'Mom?' in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home -- or even away at college ~or have their own families.

This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches, assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up. Right away.

This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them.

For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when their 14 year olds dye their hair green.

For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting.

For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.

What makes a good Mother anyway? Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips?

The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time?

Or is it in her heart?

Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?

The jolt that takes you from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby?

The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when you just want to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in your home?

Or the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?

The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation... And mature mothers learning to let go.

For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.

Single mothers and married mothers.

Mothers with money, mothers without.

This is for you all. For all of us...

Hang in there. In the end we can only do the best we can. Tell them every day that we love them. And pray and never stop being a mom..

__________________
"Philosophy is a walk on a slippery rock
Religion is a smile on a dog."

Being a Mother

Somebody said it takes about six weeks after having a baby to get back to normal...that somebody didn't know that once you're a mother "normal" is history.

Somebody said that being a mother is boring...that somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a learner's permit.

Somebody said that if you're a "good" mother, your children will "turn out good".... that somebody thinks that a child comes with directions and a guarentee.

Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices....that somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.

Somebody said you can't love your fifth child as much as your first child...that somebody doesn't have five children.

Somebody said that a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books...that somebody never had her child stick beans up his nose or in his ears.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery...that somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus on the first day of kindergarten...or on a plane headed for military "boot camp."

Somebody said that a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand behind her back...that somebody never organized four giggling Brownies to sell cookies.

Somebody said that a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married...that somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daugter in law to a mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said that a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home...that somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said that your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her...that somebody isn't a mother.

Now, go call your mom, and say that you love her... or better yet, do it in person.

__________________
"Philosophy is a walk on a slippery rock
Religion is a smile on a dog."

The One Flaw in Women



By the time the Lord made woman,

He was into his sixth day of working overtime.

An angel appeared and said,

'Why are you spending so much time on this one?'

And the Lord answered, 'Have you seen my spec sheet on her?

She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,

have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable

and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,

have a lap that can hold four children at one time,

have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart

-and she will do everything

with only two hands.'

The angel was astounded at the requirements.

'Only two hands!? No way!

And that's just on the standard model?

That's too much work for one day.

Wait until tomorrow to finish.'

'But I won 't, ' the Lord protested.

'I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.

She already heals herself when she is sick

AND can work 18 hour days.'

The angel moved closer and touched the woman.

'But you have made her so soft, Lord.'

'She is soft,' the Lord agreed,

'but I have also made her tough.

You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.'

'Will she be able to think?', asked the angel.

The Lord replied,

'Not only will she be able to think,

she will be able to reason and negotiate.'

The angel then noticed something,

and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.

'Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.

I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.'

'That's not a leak,'

the Lord corrected,

'that's a tear!'

'What's the tear for?' the angel asked.

The Lord said, 'The tear is her way of expressing her joy,

her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,

her loneliness, her grief and her pride.'

The angel was impressed.

'You are a genius, Lord.

You thought of everything!

Woman is truly amazing.'

And she is!

Women have strengths that amaze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

but they hold happiness,

love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy

and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take 'no' for an answer

when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel

and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about

a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,

y et they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss

can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends.

Women have vital things to say and everything to give

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE TINY FLAW IN WOMEN,

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

__________________
"Philosophy is a walk on a slippery rock
Religion is a smile on a dog."