Holy Relationships

Charley · #1 (**permalink**) 16th April 2008, 09:20 PM

I have a question about Holy relationships. I offered my relationship with my husband as a Holy relationship as I felt something was missing. I did it on my own as he was not doing the course. Anyway, very soon after offering it to the Holy Spirit conflict set in and after about a year he walked out and that was that. My questions are: what happens to the Holy relationship then? Is it still a Holy relationship even though we're not together? If one person is very resistant then where is the holiness? I'm very confused about this as my husband has totally switched off from me altogether, very little contact and when there is contact it's very formal and uneasy. Also, I think he went into another relationship fairly quickly.

**angeleyes** · #2 (**permalink**) 17th April 2008, 04:34 AM

Hi Charley (and welcome to the forum, by the way

) I asked many of the same questions (and more!) when I went through the end of a relationship years ago. Though I've been trying to pratice the principles of the Course for about 20 years, there are still things that confuse me and/or that I find hard to apply. Relationships are challenging in this respect, but they're one of our greatest teachers. (my husband and I actually ended up being the greatest of friends, by the way, which is something I attribute to giving it up to the Holy Spirit for years....)

A great resource for questions about ACIM is this website: Foundation for "A Course in Miracles" Electronic Outreach

Here's a Q&A from there that seemed related to your question:

Quote:

Q #641: Please explain "The Healed Relationship" and the subsequent sections in A Course in Miracles. This section states that when we turn a relationship over to the Holy Spirit that "many relationships have been broken off at this point, and the pursuit of the old goal re- established in another relationship" (T.17.V.3:8). Yet it continues that we must have faith in our brother and that eventually we will have peace in this relationship. I find these sections quite confusing especially if the relationship was broken off. How long must we wait to get peace in the relationship if we stay?

A: Turning a relationship over to the Holy Spirit means that you consciously decide that you will ask for help to use the relationship to undo the thoughts of separation in your mind. You get in touch with those thoughts by observing your reactions to your partner: the inner and the outer are the same, as Jesus teaches in several early lessons in the workbook. All of our relationships begin as special relationships -- that is normal -- so we would be expressing the ego thought system in our interactions. We thus would be using relationships to have our needs met (which leads to ritualistic gift giving, celebrations, etc.), to get rid of our own guilt (feeling justified in pointing out faults in our partner), to validate our worth as individuals (what would I do without you?), and to reinforce our belief in the reality of victimization, sacrifice, and conflict.

When the ego’s purpose is replaced by the Holy Spirit’s, your experience would change accordingly, as is obvious from the ego attributes just listed. What would it be like to have all of that shift to but one goal: to desire to perceive only what makes you one with your partner, with all else rendered meaningless? That scares many people off, as at that point the relationship seems "disturbed, disjunctive and even quite distressing" (T.17.V.3:3). Out of fear, then, many people would just turn to someone else with whom they could have a relationship the old way, with the old meaning.

There is no way of knowing how long it would take to experience peace if you stay in the relationship once you begin to make the shift in purpose. All that Jesus says is that "this is the time for faith" (T.17.V.6:1), which means that you trust, with good reason, that his way is better than yours. You would not have asked for help if you were satisfied with the way things were going; so, like Helen and Bill, you must have concluded that there is a better way of relating than you are aware of. It is not easy to go through these stages of disorientation and distress, but there’s no way around it because of our fear and resistance to what seems unfamiliar -- even though we are really just reverting to our natural state of oneness, reflected in our seeing shared interests instead of separate interests.

None of this should be taken to mean that you should not do things that normal people do in relationships, nor does it mean that you should stay in a relationship that has become intolerably painful. Peace is the goal, and that has nothing to do with what your body seems to be doing. It has to do only with which teacher you have chosen in your mind to teach you the meaning of your relationship. When you become concerned about how long the shift seems to be taking, you can be sure that you have turned to the ego, for Jesus is totally unconcerned with time and cares only about your trust in his unconditional love for you -- a love that excludes no one.

Charley · #3 (**permalink**) 17th April 2008, 05:34 PM

Thank you for your reply Angeleyes and for welcoming me to the forum. I sent 2 previous replies but they didn't send, it said I wasn't logged in and I was, I'm not used to this, so I'll try again now. Obviously doing something wrong.
Charley

Charley · #4 (**permalink**) 17th April 2008, 05:51 PM

Well look at that and my 2 previous replies had loads of stuff in them and they didn't send at all. Anyway, I found that the speed of the changes in my relationship was uncanny. It went from being relatively peaceful if a bit dull, to becoming downright belligerent and irritating. Projection all over the place and one thing I found very irritating was what I perceived in my husband as a need for 'ego stroking.' I had no patience at all with that and I think 'spiritual specialness' was very much there in me. I just didn't seem to be able to hide at all, everything came out whether I wanted it to or not, and not always in arguments either, just in ordinary conversation. Humouring him went out the window. I seemed to be in a different space altogether. Even if we were together now, I know I couldn't go back to the old way of relating. All I want now is for the Holy Spirit to bring about a positive outcome which may mean not being together at all. I'm ok with that but I don't like all the bad feelings that are there at the moment. The Holy Spirit takes it's time though, doesn't it and that doesn't suit the ego at all. It wants to fix things now!!

**angeleyes** · #5 (**permalink**) 20th April 2008, 05:31 AM

Sounds like you've got a real handle on what's going on, Charley. You're right - it does take "time" for things to settle, especially after sudden change sets in. I can very much relate to your experience, knowing myself that I couldn't have "gone back" once I accepted that ACIM was my path. I just never saw things in quite the same way after that.

The love you share/shared with your husband is still "real." It's just the form that changes. Trust that as long as you're willing to follow the Holy Spirit's guidance, all these changes will turn out to be for the best for everyone. One of my favorite statements in the Course says that "when the Holy Spirit solves the problem, no one loses."

Hang in there!

Charley · #6 (**permalink**) 20th April 2008, 09:40 PM

Thank you for vote of confidence angeleyes. It's not easy to trust all of the time though. Things are at a standstill for quite some time now, nothing happening, that can be hard, trying not to react and do nothing. The ego always wants to shake things up a bit, surrendering totally to the Holy Spirit and doing nothing can be a huge challenge but I'm hanging in there so far.

Charley.

Thread Tools	Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Email this Page	Search this Thread: Advanced Search
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode