Disciplining Children

[Lightkeeper]

Is sparing the rod spoiling the child? Is it right to spank children as a from of discipline?

[Rev. Rex]

I see nothing wrong with spanking a child, if the 'crime' warrents it. However, what I often see is parents who take this way over board and won't stop with just a swat or two...they pull out the belts, wooden spoons, even wire clothes hangers and use those on children. I do not agree with doing that.

[vivamis123]

I can't believe that we live in the year 2007 and parents still spank their children. I just found out that in many states it is O.K. for even teachers to preform "spanking" on our children: School corporal punishment is common in African and India. It is also still permitted in 20 U.S. states, and of all 20 states, Ohio is the only one that requires schools to honor parental requests not to use corporal punishment.

And then we wonder why we have so much violence in this world????? Does nobody think what are we teaching our children? I am sick to my stomach.

Why Spanking
Doesn't Work
by Michael J Marshall, Ph.D.

About the Book

Who would choose to parent in a manner that increases children’s depression, lowers their self-esteem, and makes them less likely to succeed in life? The answer is anyone who disciplines their children with spanking.

“The child development research clearly shows that using corporal punishment to discipline children leads to poorer developmental outcomes,” says Michael J. Marshall, PhD, psychologist and author of Why Spanking Doesn’t Work: Stopping this Bad Habit and Getting the Upper Hand on Effective Discipline, published by Bonneville Books of Springville, UT.

Dr. Marshall’s new book summarizes the research findings about the harmful effects of corporal punishment to help parents make informed decisions about how to raise their children, rather than default to how their parents raised them. “The harmful psychological effects of spanking is the best kept secret in developmental psychology,” says Marshall. “I am convinced parents would abandon the use of corporal punishment to discipline their children if they fully understood these research findings.”

Stop Spanking

[norwood1026]

There is nothing wrong with spanking your child IF they really deserve it There is nothing harmful about it either. In today’s society it seems that people have got to soft from the sensitive training in the military to telling people saying that the old Sesame Street is bad for kids these days. For generations past people have spanked their kids & for the most part they turned out more then ok. Maybe the real problem is that people are too sensitive these days about everything, maybe if people would spank their kids for doing something bad they wont feel the need to go rob a bank later in life, because they know there’s a price going to be paid for doing it.

Teacher should not spank the students that should be left up to the parents.


Again stop being such a wuss & spank your child when they need it!
Sorry this is a personal thing to me.

[vivamis123]

10 REASONS NOT TO HIT YOUR CHILD
1. HITTING MODELS HITTING
Spanking demonstrates that it's all right for people to hit people, and especially for big people to hit little people, and stronger people to hit weaker people. Children learn that when you have a problem you solve it with a good swat. A child whose behavior is controlled by spanking is likely to carry on this mode of interaction into other relationships with siblings and peers, and eventually a spouse and offspring.

But, you say, "I don't spank my child that often or that hard. Most of the time I show him lots of love and gentleness. An occasional swat on the bottom won't bother him." This rationalization holds true for some children, but other children remember spanking messages more than nurturing ones. You may have a hug-hit ratio of 100:1 in your home, but you run the risk of your child remembering and being influenced more by the one hit than the 100 hugs, especially if that hit was delivered in anger or unjustly, which happens all too often.

Physical punishment shows that it's all right to vent your anger or right a wrong by hitting other people.

VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL "HITTING"
Physical hitting is not the only way to cross the line into abuse. Everything we say about physical punishment pertains to emotional/verbal punishment as well. Tongue-lashing and name-calling tirades can actually harm a child more psychologically. Emotional abuse can be very subtle and even self-righteous. Threats to coerce a child to cooperate can touch on his worst fear—abandonment. ("I'm leaving if you don't behave.") Often threats of abandonment are implied giving the child the message that you can't stand being with her or a smack of emotional abandonment (by letting her know you are withdrawing your love, refusing to speak to her or saying you don't like her if she continues to displease you). Scars on the mind may last longer than scars on the body.

2. HITTING DEVALUES THE CHILD
The child's self-image begins with how he perceives that others – especially his parents – perceive him Even in the most loving homes, spanking gives a confusing message, especially to a child too young to understand the reason for the whack. Parents spend a lot of time building up their baby or child's sense of being valued, helping the child feel "good." Then the child breaks a glass, you spank, and he feels, "I must be bad."
Even a guilt-relieving hug from a parent after a spank doesn't remove the sting. The child is likely to feel the hit, inside and out, long after the hug. Most children put in this situation will hug to ask for mercy. "If I hug him, daddy will stop hitting me." When spanking is repeated over and over, one message is driven home to the child, "You are weak and defenseless."


SLAPPING HANDS
How tempting it is to slap those daring little hands! Many parents do it without thinking, but consider the consequences. Maria Montessori, one of the earliest opponents of slapping children's hands, believed that children's hands are tools for exploring, an extension of the child's natural curiosity. Slapping them sends a powerful negative message. Sensitive parents we have interviewed all agree that the hands should be off-limits for physical punishment. Research supports this idea. Psychologists studied a group of sixteen fourteen-month-olds playing with their mothers. When one group of toddlers tried to grab a forbidden object, they received a slap on the hand; the other group of toddlers did not receive physical punishment. In follow-up studies of these children seven months later, the punished babies were found to be less skilled at exploring their environment. Better to separate the child from the object or supervise his exploration and leave little hands unhurt.

3. HITTING DEVALUES THE PARENT
Parents who spank-control or otherwise abusively punish their children often feel devalued themselves because deep down they don't feel right about their way of discipline. Often they spank (or yell) in desperation because they don't know what else to do, but afterward feel more powerless when they find it doesn't work. As one mother who dropped spanking from her correction list put it, "I won the battle, but lost the war. My child now fears me, and I feel I've lost something precious."
Spanking also devalues the role of a parent. Being an authority figure means you are trusted and respected, but not feared. Lasting authority cannot be based on fear. Parents or other caregivers who repeatedly use spanking to control children enter into a lose-lose situation. Not only does the child lose respect for the parent, but the parents also lose out because they develop a spanking mindset and have fewer alternatives to spanking. The parent has fewer preplanned, experience-tested strategies to divert potential behavior, so the child misbehaves more, which calls for more spanking. This child is not being taught to develop inner control.

Hitting devalues the parent-child relationship. Corporal punishment puts a distance between the spanker and the spankee. This distance is especially troubling in home situations where the parent-child relationship may already be strained, such as single-parent homes or blended families. While some children are forgivingly resilient and bounce back without a negative impression on mind or body, for others it's hard to love the hand that hits them.

4. HITTING MAY LEAD TO ABUSE
Punishment escalates. Once you begin punishing a child "a little bit," where do you stop? A toddler reaches for a forbidden glass. You tap the hand as a reminder not to touch. He reaches again, you swat the hand. After withdrawing his hand briefly, he once again grabs grandmother's valuable vase. You hit the hand harder. You've begun a game no one can win. The issue then becomes who's stronger—your child's will or your hand—not the problem of touching the vase. What do you do now? Hit harder and harder until the child's hand is so sore he can't possibly continue to "disobey?" The danger of beginning corporal punishment in the first place is that you may feel you have to bring out bigger guns: your hand becomes a fist, the switch becomes a belt, the folded newspaper becomes a wooden spoon, and now what began as seemingly innocent escalates into child abuse. Punishment sets the stage for child abuse. Parents who are programmed to punish set themselves up for punishing harder, mainly because they have not learned alternatives and click immediately into the punishment mode when their child misbehaves.
5. HITTING DOES NOT IMPROVE BEHAVIOR
Many times we have heard parents say, "The more we spank the more he misbehaves." Spanking makes a child's behavior worse, not better. Here's why. Remember the basis for promoting desirable behavior: The child who feels right acts right. Spanking undermines this principle. A child who is hit feels wrong inside and this shows up in his behavior. The more he misbehaves, the more he gets spanked and the worse he feels. The cycle continues. We want the child to know that he did wrong, and to feel remorse, but to still believe that he is a person who has value.
The Cycle of Misbehavior

Misbehavior Worse behavior Spanking Decreased self-esteem, anger

One of the goals of disciplinary action is to stop the misbehavior immediately, and spanking may do that. It is more important to create the conviction within the child that he doesn't want to repeat the misbehavior (i.e, internal rather than external control). One of the reasons for the ineffectiveness of spanking in creating internal controls is that during and immediately after the spanking, the child is so preoccupied with the perceived injustice of the physical punishment (or maybe the degree of it he's getting) that he "forgets" the reason for which he was spanked. Sitting down with him and talking after the spanking to be sure he's aware of what he did can be done just as well (if not better) without the spanking part. Alternatives to spanking can be much more thought-and-conscience-provoking for a child, but they may take more time and energy from the parent. This brings up a main reason why some parents lean toward spanking—it's easier.

6. HITTING IS ACTUALLY NOT BIBLICAL
Don't use the Bible as an excuse to spank. There is confusion in the ranks of people of Judeo-Christian heritage who, seeking help from the Bible in their effort to raise godly children, believe that God commands them to spank. They take "spare the rod and spoil the child" seriously and fear that if they don't spank, they will commit the sin of losing control of their child. In our counseling experience, we find that these people are devoted parents who love God and love their children, but they misunderstand the concept of the rod.

SPARE THE ROD!There are parents who should not spank and children who should not be spanked. Are there factors in your history, your temperament, or your relationship with your child that put you at risk for abusing your child? Are there characteristics in your child that make spanking unwise?

Were you abused as a child?
Do you lose control of yourself easily?
Are you spanking more, with fewer results?
Are you spanking harder?
Is spanking not working?
Do you have a high-need child? A strong-willed child?
Is your child ultrasensitive?
Is your relationship with your child already distant?
Are there present situations that are making you angry, such as financial or marital difficulties or a recent job loss? Are there factors that are lowering your own self-confidence?
If the answer to any of these queries is yes, you would be wise to develop a no-spanking mindset in your home and do your best to come up with noncorporal alternatives. If you find you are unable to do this on your own, talk with someone who can help you.

7. HITTING PROMOTES ANGER - IN CHILDREN AND IN PARENTS
Children often perceive punishment as unfair. They are more likely to rebel against corporal punishment than against other disciplinary techniques. Children do not think rationally like adults, but they do have an innate sense of fairness—though their standards are not the same as adults. This can prevent punishment from working as you hoped it would and can contribute to an angry child. Oftentimes, the sense of unfairness escalates to a feeling of humiliation. When punishment humiliates children they either rebel or withdraw. While spanking may appear to make the child afraid to repeat the misbehavior, it is more likely to make the child fear the spanker.
In our experience, and that of many who have thoroughly researched corporal punishment, children whose behaviors are spank-controlled throughout infancy and childhood may appear outwardly compliant, but inside they are seething with anger. They feel that their personhood has been violated, and they detach themselves from a world they perceive has been unfair to them. They find it difficult to trust, becoming insensitive to a world that has been insensitive to them.

8. HITTING BRINGS BACK BAD MEMORIES
A child's memories of being spanked can scar otherwise joyful scenes of growing up. People are more likely to recall traumatic events than pleasant ones. I grew up in a very nurturing home, but I was occasionally and "deservedly" spanked. I vividly remember the willow branch scenes. After my wrongdoing my grandfather would send me to my room and tell me I was going to receive a spanking. I remember looking out the window, seeing him walk across the lawn and take a willow branch from the tree and come back to my room and spank me across the back of my thighs with the branch. The willow branch seemed to be an effective spanking tool because it stung and made an impression upon me— physically and mentally. Although I remember growing up in a loving home, I don't remember specific happy scenes with nearly as much detail as I remember the spanking scenes. I have always thought that one of our goals as parents is to fill our children's memory bank with hundreds, perhaps thousands, of pleasant scenes. It's amazing how the unpleasant memories of spankings can block out those positive memories.
ABUSIVE HITTING HAS BAD LONG-TERM EFFECTS
Research has shown that spanking may leave scars deeper and more lasting than a fleeting redness of the bottom. Here is a summary of the research on the long-term effects of corporal punishment:

In a prospective study spanning nineteen years, researchers found that children who were raised in homes with a lot of corporal punishment, turned out to be more antisocial and egocentric, and that physical violence became the accepted norm for these children when they became teenagers and adults.
College students showed more psychological disturbances if they grew up in a home with less praise, more scolding, more corporal punishment, and more verbal abuse.
A survey of 679 college students showed that those who recall being spanked as children accepted spanking as a way of discipline and intended to spank their own children. Students who were not spanked as children were significantly less accepting of the practice than those who were spanked. The spanked students also reported remembering that their parents were angry during the spanking; they remembered both the spanking and the attitude with which it was administered.
Spanking seems to have the most negative long-term effects when it replaces positive communication with the child. Spanking had less damaging long-term effects if given in a loving home and nurturing environment.
A study of the effects of physical punishment on children's later aggressive behavior showed that the more frequently a child was given physical punishment, the more likely it was that he would behave aggressively toward other family members and peers. Spanking caused less aggression if it was done in an overall nurturing environment and the child was always given a rational explanation of why the spanking occurred.
A study to determine whether hand slapping had any long-term effects showed that toddlers who were punished with a light slap on the hand showed delayed exploratory development seven months later.
Adults who received a lot of physical punishment as teenagers had a rate of spouse-beating that was four times greater than those whose parents did not hit them.
Husbands who grew up in severely violent homes are six times more likely to beat their wives than men raised in non-violent homes.
More than 1 out of 4 parents who had grown up in a violent home were violent enough to risk seriously injuring their child.
Studies of prison populations show that most violent criminals grew up in a violent home environment.
The life history of notorious, violent criminals, murderers, muggers, rapists, etc., are likely to show a history of excessive physical discipline in childhood.
The evidence against spanking is overwhelming.

10. SPANKING DOESN'T WORK
Many studies show the futility of spanking as a disciplinary technique, but none show its usefulness. In the past thirty years in pediatric practice, we have observed thousands of families who have tried spanking and found it doesn't work. Our general impression is that parents spank less as their experience increases. Spanking doesn't work for the child, for the parents, or for society. Spanking does not promote good behavior, it creates a distance between parent and child, and it contributes to a violent society. Parents who rely on punishment as their primary mode of discipline don't grow in their knowledge of their child. It keeps them from creating better alternatives, which would help them to know their child and build a better relationship.

[vivamis123]

Norwood you wrote:
There is nothing wrong with spanking your child IF they really deserve it There is nothing harmful about it either.

Besides the mental damages that accure due to spanking, there are also physical damages that can accure:

Boxing on the ear can burst an eardrum.
Shaking can cause a concussion, whiplash, blindness, serious brain damage, or even death.
Spanking can injure muscles, the sciatic nerve, pelvis, coccyx (tail bone), genitals or spine.
Hitting a child's hands can injure bones, blood vessels, joints and ligaments; it can induce premature osteoarthritis.
A child who is hit can accidentally fall and seriously injure themselves.

[norwood1026]

Originally Posted by vivamis123

Norwood you wrote:
There is nothing wrong with spanking your child IF they really deserve it There is nothing harmful about it either.

Besides the mental damages that accure due to spanking, there are also physical damages that can accure:

Boxing on the ear can burst an eardrum.
Shaking can cause a concussion, whiplash, blindness, serious brain damage, or even death.
Spanking can injure muscles, the sciatic nerve, pelvis, coccyx (tail bone), genitals or spine.
Hitting a child's hands can injure bones, blood vessels, joints and ligaments; it can induce premature osteoarthritis.
A child who is hit can accidentally fall and seriously injure themselves.

Um sorry but a spanking & beating are two different things. I'm going out on a limb here but do you agree with schools teaching kids how to call 911 if their parents spank them? Sorry but the world might be a better place if more people spank thire kids. Hows are they going to learn that for anything they do bad is a price to be paied? Sitting down & talking to them isn't going to do jack.

[vivamis123]

Um sorry but a spanking & beating are two different things.
I am not talking about beating, Spanking is bad enough.

I'm going out on a limb here but do you agree with schools teaching kids how to call 911 if their parents spank them?

Hell yeah! It should be against the law to hit children. In Germany and Sweden it is already the case and mark my words it will be here in America too...one day. America is still behind the moon in many things.

Sorry but the world might be a better place if more people spank thire kids.

Spanking promotes aggression, doesn't make it disappear. Did you not read the article by Dr. Michael J Marshall? We have been spanking our kids for centuries now...look where that got us.

Hows are they going to learn that for anything they do bad is a price to be paied? Sitting down & talking to them isn't going to do jack.

All actions have consequences built within themselves. If we as parents use force instead of understanding to guide our children into a healthy well balanced adulthood then, when the force is gone that which has been surpressed seeks an outlet.

[spiritual78]

"Don't touch those!" the father commands as his child plays with the dishes on a shelf at his host's house. A few seconds later, the father looks up from his conversation with his host, and his child is still playing with the dishes. "I told you not to touch those!" the child's father repeats. A few seconds later, the father looks up and sees his child still playing with the dishes. The father says nothing and continues his conversation with the host.


It happens all the time. Children are given orders, and when they don't obey, the parent simply goes back to his conversation and forgets.


What should parents do in this situation? Some parents would say that we should stop the child, others that we should punish him, and others that he is "just a child," and we should not expect too much from him.
As Muslim parents, we have an obligation to bring up our children in the best manner---to teach them right from wrong and to show them what we and society expect from them.


Those who give opinions on this matter usually use the Quran or hadith to support their positions, and it may be difficult to establish, without a doubt, who is more correct. However, as parents, we either have to find the correct method to teach and discipline our children, or we at least have to come up with a valid method for teaching and disciplining our children. Definitely, we should not just "figure it out as we go" --- one time using this method and another time that one.


The following principles should be useful in establishing a childrearing method which is not too extreme.


1.Start Early
Although many parents believe that very small children are too young to understand, their early years are probably the most important opportunity for parents to start them in the right direction. Once good patterns are established, they will be easy to maintain. Once bad patterns are established, they will be difficult to change.
2.Have your Emotions Under Control while Instructing Childern
Don't discipline your child because you are angry with him, but rather because you want to teach him. Motive is important here. As a Muslim parent, your motive should be to help your child.


3. Parents should Present a United Front
Parents should discuss their strategy for training and disciplining their children and agree to work together as a team. If children realize that one parent is strict and the other is easy, they will play the parents against each other. When the strict parent stops them from doing something, they will go ask the easy parent for permission. Both parents need to tell the child the same thing. If parents sometimes disagree on how to discipline the child, they should discuss it privately, not in front of the children.


4.Be Consistent
Most experts on children agree that parents should be consistent. Constantly changing the rules and expectations will only confuse your child. If you stop him from writing on the walls today, and you allow him to write on the walls tomorrow, he will not understand when you get angry the next time he writes on the walls. If you inconsistently apply the rules, he will also test you at times to see whether you are going to be tough this time or easy. If, however, he knows from experience that you always stop him the first time, he will quickly learn it does no good to try to get away with something. Although consistency is essential, it does not mean that parents cannot change their minds about the rules. If you do change the rules, however, you must inform your child in advance so that he will know what to expect. This failure to be consistent is at the root of many parents' inability to control their children.


5.Never Lie to your Childern
If you lie to them "every now and then," they may not believe you when you tell them the truth. This also applies to those situations when you tell your child to stop doing something, or you will put him in his room, spank him, or take away his toys. If you make that kind of a threat, you must stick with it. Otherwise, you have lied, and your child will not know when you are serious and when you are not. He will then be forced to test you again and again to see.


6.Don't Reward Crying
If children realize that everytime they cry, they get what they want, crying will become like money for them. Everytime they want something, they will cry. On the other hand, if you teach them that crying doesn't get them anything, they will stop crying for things. Let them cry and cry and cry, but don't give in. In the beginning, it will be difficult, but be patient. Once they learn the lesson and stop crying for everything, you will be happy that you were firm. You can either listen to crying for a few days or for the rest of your life. It's your choice.


7. Teach Your Child to Apologize When he/she Does Something Wrong
This is important so that he will learn what is expected of him from others and from Allah (SWT). If he does something wrong, he should ask forgiveness from Allah (SWT) and apologize to any people who were hurt by his words or actions. This will be useful in developing his conscience.


8. Accept Child's Apology
Be quick to excuse your child when he apologizes and shows that he is sorry for his disobedience or bad actions. When we do wrong, we seek forgiveness from Allah (SWT) and want to be excused. Likewise, we should excuse others. This will develop in your child a sense of mercy and prepare him for an understanding of the forgiveness of Allah (SWT). Always make it clear to the child that you love him, especially after he has been in trouble and apologized. Let him understand that no bad feelings remain.


9. Apologize For Your Mistakes
Don't be too proud to apologize to your child when you make mistakes. This will establish in him a belief in your sense of justice and prevent him from viewing you as nothing but a tyrant.


10. Teach Islam From an Early Age
Teach your child from an early age about Allah, the Prophets, the Sahaba, and the great heroes of Islam. If we develop in them a love for Islam and provide them with righteous examples for their heroes, they will be much less likely to go astray. A person wants to be like his heroes. If he admires Prophet Muhammad(sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam), Abu Bakr(R.A.), and Ali(R.A.), he will try to follow their example. If he admires a rock star or a gang leader, he will want to be like them. If we inspire our children with good examples, when they are tempted to do wrong, they will, Insha-Allah, remember these examples and remain steadfast.


Although I was raised as a Christian and didn't embrace Islam until I was in my 20s, I was greatly influenced by the Biblical stories of Prophets like Nuh, Ibrahim, Musa, and Isa (peace be upon them all). Although the Biblical stories were not in their pure form, they still inculcated in me a love and respect for the way of the Prophets. Although I fell into many of the temptations of youth, Alhamdulillah, I always felt something within me holding me back from going too far. While many of my friends went headlong into a highly destructive way of life, I believe that my knowledge of, and affection for, the Prophets helped me to return to a better path.


11. Instruct in Good Morals
Teach your child good morals and good manners. An excellent book for this is Islamic Tahdhib and Akhlaq: Theory and Practice, by B. Aisha Lemu.


12.Discipline Your Child
Discipline should not become the domain of one parent. Mothers and fathers should both participate in the disciplining of their children. Although mothers often threaten their children by telling them that they will get into trouble when their father gets home, this method is not very useful for three reasons. First, discipline should be carried out immediately after the disobedience occurs so that the child will connect the disobedience with its consequences. If parents wait until later, the child may have forgotten why he got into trouble, and feel that the parents are not justified in disciplining him. Second, sometimes the child must be stopped immediately, and the mother cannot wait until the father gets home. The child must be taught to respond immediately to her commands as well as his father's. Third, making one parent responsible for disciplining the child may turn that parent into the "bad guy" in the child's eyes. The child should recognize that both parents agree on their methods of disciplining him. Although the degree to which various parents use them will vary, the following five methods might be used for disciplining your children.


(1) Putting your child in the bedroom. When the child is disobeying, he should first be warned that you are going to put him in the bedroom if he doesn't obey. If he continues to disobey, take him to the room immediately. Do not keep repeating warnings. For smaller children, you will probably have to sit in the room with them; for older children, they can sit alone. If they are crying or yelling, don't let them come out until they stop. Also, teach them that they need to apologize before you let them out. If they apologize, show your happiness and quick acceptance.


For those children who whine and cry for everything, it is good to teach them that they will be sent to the bedroom when they whine and cry. They should not be allowed to whine and cry in the living room where they will disturb others. Once children learn that when they whine and cry, they will be sent to the bedroom, the whining and crying should decrease dramatically. Although it may take a long time for some children to stop crying and apologize, the parent must not give in. The child should feel that everytime he persists in disobedience, he will be the loser. This method, if done correctly and consistently, should dramatically affect your child.


(2) Showing your disappointment. If you have established a good relationship with your child, your disappointment with him will have a great impact on him. If he does something you don't like, and you tell him you are angry with him and show him that you are not going to play and joke with him because of his actions, he will probably feel bad and apologize. This works especially well when several family members show disappointment with the child's actions.


(3) Withholding privileges. Not letting the child go out to play, ride his bicycle, or use his skates, for example. Threats to do this are useful only if the child believes you.


(4) Giving rewards. These could be compliments, sweets, toys, or anything else that your child likes. When your child is rewarded for doing good, he is likely to do good again. After some time, his habit will be to do good. Two words of caution, however. First, rewards should not become bribes. You should not tell your child, "If you obey me, I will take you for ice cream." Rewards should be spontaneous on your part to show your appreciation for your child's actions. They should not be expected by the child. You should say, "Since you have been such a good boy today, I'm going to take you for ice cream." Second, you should be careful that your relationship with your child does not become a marketplace where he expects to get a reward from you for everything he does. As the child gets older, he will not need to be given material rewards as often, although you should continue to let him know that you appreciate his good behavior. You should, however, teach him that even though he doesn't always receive a reward from you for his good actions, he might receive one from Allah (SWT).


(5) Spanking. This is the most controversial aspect of discipline. Some parents feel that it is wrong to spank children because it teaches them that violence is the answer or that "might makes right." Others go too far in the other direction and believe that unbridled beating of their children is okay. Some parents slap their children in the face, beat them on the hand, or twist their ears. These methods should, however, be avoided. Slapping in the face humiliates the child, and beating on the hand or twisting the ear could cause permanent physical damage to the child. Of course, it should also be clear that such things as burning or starving children, making them drink hot sauce, or other such harsh punishments should never be used. I personally use only two physical methods for disciplining my children: light slaps on the hand when the child is using his hands to do something wrong and spanking the child on his buttocks in a way that is not permanently harmful but that only causes some stinging. If the other methods of discipline are used wisely, a parent should rarely have to resort to physical discipline at all. However, sometimes it may be necessary. If done with mercy and justice and in the best interest of the child, it should not be considered as violent or abusive. When children grow up, they will be held accountable for their actions. In some cases, the punishments they face for wrongdoing will be severe. To teach them right from wrong now, even by spanking or lightly slapping their hand, will help them avoid these problems later in life. Hammudah Abd al Ati writes in The Family Structure in Islam: ". . . [T]he Prophet urged parents to demand that their children begin practicing the regular daily prayers by the age of seven. If the children do not start the practice by the age of ten, they should be disciplined by physical means --- without causing them harm or injury, of course --- only to show disapproval of their behavior." (p. 199)


If parents follow these principles consistently, they should see a dramatic improvement in their children in a short time. If, however, the children have been allowed to run the house for a long time, and the parents have given up their authority, it will take longer for the children to get used to the new rules. Although the various methods of discipline are important and will help you to control your children and force them to do what you say, you will not always be with them as they begin to grow, and, thus, the penalties and consequences from you will not concern them. Ideally, as you discipline your children you will also develop their conscience and their knowledge of right and wrong. Teaching them good morals and manners and instilling in them a love for Allah, the Prophets, the Sahaba(R.A.), and the great heroes of Islam should help them to do good even when you are not around. The attainment of self-discipline and a concern for doing righteousness whether they are with others or alone is the true goal of childrearing. The afore-mentioned techniques are merely some means to achieve this.

[norwood1026]

[QUOTE
Spanking promotes aggression, doesn't make it disappear. Did you not read the article by Dr. Michael J Marshall?
QUOTE]

Sorry but for every article or study put out by someone there is an equal amoutn saying the oppersite. My wife was spanked as a child & so was I. I'm more then sure alot of people on this forum were & turned out just fine..
People read way too much into things these days & therein lies the problem.