I mentioned in the introduction that grief comes from the uncomfortable feelings we get with some change in our lives, whether it be death, divorce, move, etc. There is more discomfort in grief. That is the discomfort in dealing with it...not necessarily getting over it, but expressing it, and being there for a person to express grief to you without feeling awkward. There are other ways to approach it besides the meaningless cliches that are often said in a well meaning manner. There are two roles in this- the listener and the grieved person.

For the listener, you don't necessarily have to say anything, a hug or pat on the back says a lot in itself. People don't really be told they will get over it, or that the loss is ok, they want to be validated, to get a chance to express their loss without judgement. Grief is so individual, not only in the loss, but in the emotional attachments to the loss. Saying you know how they feel is a lie. But, reflecting what they feel can be validating, such as saying "you sound as though you really felt you had more to offer that job." or "I can see you have great memories of time spent with your Dad."

For the grieved person, allow yourself to express grief. Talk, cry, sulk a bit if it is how you feel. We all know someone with whom we feel fairly safe, even in an emotionally exposed contact, so choose your listener. If you know someone will be overwhelmed, they are not a good listener for you at this time. If you know a person who is emotionally closed off, he or she is not your best choice. Sometimes, we cannot choose, such as crying during a funeral, and understand that it is not a sign of weakness or point of embarassment. People consider these settings as places that are "safe" to let go, but don't wait for that if you need to express it. Even say it to a mirror.

For this week, consider some great loss you have had. Think about the feeling you had immediately after learning of it. Put that feeling into words. Cry anew if you need to. Share here if you wish, but hold some of those thoughts for the next conversation about whether those "stages" exist, and if you felt the passage through them. Peace.