We all know someone who experienced a loss and was able to "move on" fairly quickly, appearing to handle it in stride generally. Sometimes that is the case, but others, it can be a great performance. We have to choose to let our grief and/or emotions happen. Putting that brave face on for all others is cutting yourself off from a valuable support, and opening yourself up to inadvertant hurts, if others do not know something bothers you. Sometimes these are the people who turn their lost loved one into an "angel" in many ways...the memories become less than frank, the loved one becomes perfect. This blanket of perfection can cause shaded views of the loss situation and hinder one's actual recovery. I know one woman who actually made a shrine sort of thing for a lost son (adult), which was very difficult for her and her remaining adult child to deal with. The other side of it, is seeing not much good in the loved one, allowing the anger and disappointment of the loss to overtake the positives of the lost relationship. This can also happen with jobs or marriages lost. All of these behaviors are coping mechanisms that prolong one's grief or delay the completing of the relationship.

There are all sorts of short term grief reliefs that we use. Some overeat, cover up emotions, become involved in excessive work, exercise, sex, spending or other activity, yet others become more and more isolated. None of these is healthy to the extreme. Even reading can become an escape, pulling the grieving person away from reality. These are short term, the unresolved feeling will exist then the activity is over. They have merely acted like a cork in a bottle, and once over, and the cork is removed, one is left to deal with the loss yet again. One needs to be aware of the short term reliefs that you turn to, and try to keep them in check. I happen to know that mine is a combination of overeating and isolation (retreating to my room to read or watch tv).

The long term relief will only come from choosing to meet this all head on and choosing to recover. The authors James and Friedman suggest asking your self "What do I wish had been different, better or more?" That will give you a key to what is incomplete for you. You have to take responsibility for your self, rather than blaming or assigning guilt elsewhere (so and so made me do it!). Your grief is both the loss AND your reaction to it, and we can only change one of those things, your reaction. Identifying your incompleteness is the first and most important step. Take a look at the losses in your life, and one in particular that hangs with you. Do 2 things: identify any short term relief activity you have used, and ask yourself about that loss "What do I wish had been different, better or more?" Next week we will take another step toward resolving grief effectively. Peace.