I would like anyone who has any experience in anger management and who has some understanding of why certain things can seem to set another person off, please post here and let me know what experiences you've had. I believe that a lot of people here are far more qualified than I am, so before starting the thread, I'm looking for those people. Please.

I am not formally trained, but I have a unique perspective. I grew up with mother who is bipolar and OCD, an alcoholic step-father, a father who has two masters in psychology, and a step-mother who is a licensed social worker.

When I was home and sick, I read the journals and text books related to psychology. With the exception of my marriage (I don't know why this doesn't work here) I think I have pretty good skills for difusing tense situations.

I should also mention that I have been in and out of therapy to help control my own metal illness. Unfortunately, I inherited it from my mother.

well, on the personal side, when I've experienced this problem (from the receiving-end of it), the individuals were male, survivors of various forms of child abuse, had NEVER sought professional help to deal with it, and kinda coasted along for years or decades waiting for a person/people upon whom they felt safe to explode.
in this experience, "anger management" (if you're referring to the classes) are a joke- and some individuals actually see it that way: to placate the court, to lull the other person into a sense of false security or hope, etc.
obviously I can't speak for every person and every situation, but if there's some "old abuse issues" in the person's past, THAT is what needs to be dealt with, not 'how to constructively channel your anger' and that sort of malarky.

re: the part about certain things setting a person off-- if it's from the above-mentioned problem, there can be any number of "Triggers," but the vulnerability of the person in front of him is a lot more relevant.

I'm not "qualified" (other than a lowly BA in psychology, counseling, and self observation), but I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that we must take full responsibility for our emotions. (A Course in Miracles would go alot further and say that everything that happens to us, without exception, is a result of a projection of consciousness, but that's probably too much for most people).

When I first looked at how anger works in me, it was easier to deal with the small things and practice with that. For example, I'm one of those people that hates to be late. It was a part of my upbringing - I grew up thinking I might displease others, get fired, etc., if I was late. So what happens if I'm afraid I might be late for an appointment? Everyone seems to be driving slow! I notice every move other drivers make, and am likely to get mad if I don't make a light because someone didn't move fast enough. On days when I have lots of time, however, I don't have this reaction. Another example: when I get mad at my child for wanting too many material things, it's not because she's doing anything "wrong." It's because I'm projecting the guilt I have about my own desires, the fear that she's taking something from me, and the fear that she won't love me if I refuse to buy her something. She's just being who she is.

The dynamic underneath it is that we don't want to face our own guilt, and by seeing it outside ourselves we maintain our "innocence" and become the victim. That's how we justify our anger. If we can give up our original thought of guilt/fear, there's no reason to get angry. There's a saying that goes "only the self-accused condemn." I think that's probably true.

I am not a professional either, but I do like to study this area as it relates to larger issues, so I'll give you some of my thoughts.

First, we have to understand what anger is. Anger spawns from failed expectations. We all have certain expectations about how the day/the job/this life is supposed to go. We also project these expectations to others for some reason. It is almost like we expect everyone to know our desires for how we want our day to go and to facilitate them. We reason that other people are there to help make my way through life.

But of course, that is not the case. In fact, the reality is quite different. We have lots of people who all believe the same thing, that other people should be facilitating their desires for how life should be progressing. This is a recipie for chaos. Eventually, something is going to cross your path that is not what you expected, it is going to disrupt your sense of "rightness", and now you are going to react. Your reaction will depend upon three things:

1. The abruptness of the failed expectation
2. Your ability to choose your response
3. Your ability to empathize

Some failed expectations happen suddenly, like being cut off in traffic. Some build slowly, like putting off a dentist visit. We are more likely to move to anger from an abrupt situation than a slow building one. That doesn't necessarily make it better, however, as slow building anger is a prime contributor to stress, which in turn can make your fuse shorter and make moderate situations appear as abrupt ones.

The ability to choose your response is a learned trait. Unlike bio-physical responses, people have the ability to review a situation and choose how to respond. This is known as reflection, and it can be a powerful tool in anger management. It has to be practiced:

First, recognize that anger has arisen. This is not as easy at it first sounds as the reaction may be so common, a person may not recognize it as different from a "calm state".

Second, once you recognize you have anger, understand what the trigger was. Most people allow the anger to overcome them and the actual cause is lost in the passion of the emotion.

Third, decide how you want to react. Ask yourself, do I like it when I am angry? For most people, the answer is no. If your answer is yes, you need to seek help I am not qualified to give! Choose a different response. The ability to allow anger to leave is a powerful tool and fosters a clearer mind. Short fuses begin to disappear, people feel comfortable approaching you, stress levels decrease.

Finally, your ability to empathize will decrease the illusion that other people are there to facilitate your life. When you see past this illusion, change becomes the expectation, which means your expectations are less likely to be failed, which means anger will have fewer chances to arise. Your ability to see others as you see yourself is a transforming experience.

I practice these techniques constantly. As an air traffic controller, my success is predicated on making moments of chaos seem ordinary. So when stress levels rise, I can choose a different response other than anger. It takes practice, but it is so much more rewarding.

-TC

Great post, Travis. What stands out the most is that others are not here to facillitate us. I think many of us frequently feel let down by others. These are all definitely points to ponder.

__________________
InterfaithForums.com-Where your ideas and beliefs count.

I would say some of those who have anger issues, never learned any other way to cope.

Others use anger as a way to control others, because they can't control themselves.

As with all therapy for anger management to work, the person with the issue has to want to change.

When trying to help someone with anger issues, you have to help them learn their triggers, and then learn ways to break the anger cycle before they pass the point of no return. By point of no return, I mean the point where they are no longer being ruled by thought, but are being ruled just by their emotions.

If you have ever felt "rage", then you know what I am talking about.

~peace

__________________
Let the beauty of what you love, be what you do ~Rumi

Okay, my purpose is this: I would like to start a thread about anger and expression and how it relates to this forum. Let me explain why.

Every so often, we have a couple people here who will practically be at each other's throats. More often than not, it isn't the things that are said, but HOW they are said. It isn't even really personality conflicts...there will always be those, but often the arguers will be far more similar than they are different, and most everyone except those doing the arguing will probably notice this.

One of the biggest cruxes is that a lot of people don't seem to understand how to tell when a debate changes into an argument, or just when they've 'crossed the line' and post a flamer, etc. They often don't think about alternative ways to say things, and don't understand that whenever they start using words like "you", that they are pointing fingers. Unfortunately, often if you point this out, they go on the defensive and generally say that they don't care. (Only, I doubt that they'd be here in the first place if they honestly didn't care.)

So I'd like to have a thread devoted to talking about what anger is, different ways of dealing with it, how to post here without flaming, the difference between opinions and universal facts, how to express things so that people know that they are opinions that are being expressed, and so on. Having good discussions on this forum is good for the forum and everyone on it. Having arguments, on the other hand, is negative, does the forum no good, and can drive people away.

Your thoughts?

I think that is a great idea. That will refine all of our people skills.

I had another idea, too. Each of us has a different perspective, so each of us could teach from that different perspective, which means that at the same time, we will all be able to learn. That doesn't mean that we will always agree with each other, but even that can be a learning experience. You're right, Kelly, this could be helpful for every one of us. Anyone who says that they don't sometimes have problems with anger and expression are deluding themselves. Some people have worse problems than others, but I have yet to meet a single person who doesn't sometimes have these problems. Learning how to deal with them is a gateway to a much happier and better life.

I should and will explain my own background, since you have all been generous enough to explain yours. I have taken anger management courses in a couple jobs, where I was in management. This makes it far easier to deal with employees. Currently, I also do counseling for couples, primarily in my capacity as a reverend. I also assist a well known and highly qualified/competent psychologist who runs anger management courses at several different locations in the state, and I should say that he has a success rate that is nothing short of amazing. He deals with people from different walks of life, people who are incarcerated, addicts of various sorts, sex offenders, and even troubled teens.

While I don't think we should ever tell anyone that they need to take anger mgmt, I should also say that for the mods and admins, being able to point out that someone SOUNDS angry in their posts, and being able to point to this thread, HELPFULLY, wouldn't be out of order. Some people honestly don't know that they have anger issues until they start reading about it. To most of us who have dealt with anger in one way or another, this is old hat, and we already know that we have our own anger issues to deal with. PLUS, this can give us a good reference we could use, if we need it...and I'm talking about every single person on the forum.

My original thought was that this could be a thread. The more I think about it, the less certain I am of that. I don't want to clutter the site, but this site is about learning, helping, and helping others. So I'd like some more feedback here. How many of you think that it would be better to have a sub forum devoted to anger and expression?