First off, I'd like to start a talk about anger. Everyone feels it, but many don't really understand it or know what it is, and fewer still know how to control it. I should say that at times, every single one of us loses control of our anger. That is just part of being human. The problem is when anger begins to control US to too great an extent.

What is anger and what isn't it? Anger is more than just an emotion...there are physiological changes that go along with it; increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, a surge in adrenalin, and so forth. What anger is NOT, however, is "negative". Let me qualify that by saying that it can bring about both positive and negative results and actions, but anger itself is neither positive or negative. In fact, most of the negative results when we don't control the anger, and let it control us.

I'll give a minor example of when anger can end up with a positive result, and this is from personal experience: One day, my kids were squabbling, naturally, in loud tones. They kept it up and kept it up. I tried to ignore it (never a good idea, since it was making me angry, and bottling up anger is like putting heat under a pressure cooker), and I also told them repeatedly to stop, to no avail. By the time I realized that I was getting angry, it was too late...I was already there. BUT I knew that yelling at the kids, hitting them, or punishing them would have served no honestly useful purpose. I always try never to strike out in anger (sometimes successfully, sometimes not, but this was one of the successful times). So I decided to rechannel my anger.

At the time, we lived out in the country and heated the house with wood. We had 3 cords of pine out in the back that needed to be split, something I'd been putting off as that wasn't my favorite task. But since I was angry, I went out and started splitting the pine. The high heart rate, blood pressure, and adrenalin was put to very good use, and in about an hour's time, when my anger had totally subsided, I'd split 1 1/2 cords of wood! Not only did I accomplish something positive (the needed splitting of the wood), I did it in far less time than it normally would have taken me (about 2 hours or a little more per cord). AND I got some great exercise in the process. All that without letting the anger control me and justify words or actions that would have been wrong and improper.

So one of the important things to remember is that anger itself is neither positive or negative, and that we can use anger to achieve positive results, IF we control the anger and not the other way around. It isn't always possible, but it is certainly something we can work on to better ourselves. People around us will appreciate it, too.

I have a similar story. Last year I got angry that other around me were getting promoted and I wasn't. I looked around to see what they had and I didn't, and the only thing I could come up with was that they had a college degree. I decided right then to change it. I enrolled in school and am half way to earning an associates in business. Anger can be very helpful if channelled properly. It can allow us to have the courage to do something that we normally wouldn't do.

Excellent example! I think that the reason that some people are hesitant about finding help with their anger...or even in admitting it...is that so many don't understand that anger itself is neither good or bad, but that it can result in either, and that each of us can control which one it will be, if we want to.

I find that when I'm angry, it's because I'm either hurt or afraid that someone/something is interferring with my needs. If I'm hurt, it's better to admit that right away, even though the temptation is to attack the other person in return. Admitting hurt usually turns the situation around immediately. If I'm afraid of not getting my needs met (money, time, love, whatever), and I can identify that need, I can take steps towards meeting it, turning it into a positive motivator, like Rev Kelly did with getting a degree. And if I'm REALLY good at transforming my anger, I'll let the other person "off the hook" so that they're not responsible for meeting my needs.

The only problem area I've had lately is with my 14 year old daughter, who doesn't care about keeping an even reasonable level of order in her bedroom. I can let the clothes pile up, but it bothers me to have half-empty drink cans and plates with food still on them sitting around. I've tried a number of things (consequences, withholding allowance, positive incentives) and nothing has worked so far. In this case, I'm still looking for a positive application for my anger!

Your point is well made. Fear, worry, insecurity, self doubt, and sadness can all lead to outbreaks of anger, and often amplify the anger that we do feel. But recognizing this also gives us some control over the anger emotions. I say emotions, as in plural, because there are many levels and types of anger; frustration, being slightly peeved, all the way to rage. Recognizing the signs of anger is important, because without recognizing it, we don't have much control over it.

I understand about the 14 year old. Our son and daughter both did similar. With my son, it was mostly dirty dishes, glasses, ect, that ended up in his bedroom. We finally told him that if he wanted to eat, he'd eat off of those dishes, so perhaps it would be a good idea to take them out of his room and wash them. He wasn't really happy, but it didn't take long for him to realize that it was far easier to pick up the dishes and bring them to the kitchen so they could be washed, rather than letting them accumulate in his room. We had to use different methods for our daughter, but I swear that in both cases, they actually did it on purpose at times, just to aggravate us. The funny part was that when we showed very little aggravation, it ended up upsetting THEM! A friend used to be fond of saying, "Don't complain about a problem, just solve it."

I agree with the don't complain about a prolbem just solve it part.. One person wants to solve the prolbem and the other doesn't want to then what this is where my frustration sets in at times. Then i take it out on other people which is not fair i am the type of person who does not likes to leave things badly like a fight with a friend i like to try to fix the prolbem first if possible i like to help people not hurt them. When i hurt my friends this is what i have to look into making changes. If this makes sense?