We've already established that anger is neither good nor bad. The fact is that we all feel anger at one point or another. It is a healthy emotion in as much as any of our other emotions are. But there are many kinds of anger. Frustration, aggravation, being peeved, mildly upset, enraged...all of these are anger.

Anger often goes hand in hand with other emotions, too, and often it is those other emotions that let us know that we are getting angry. Fear and worry are examples, and it is often easier to see fear and worry that it is to see anger in ourselves. The other emotions actually feed the anger, make it stronger, and enable it. Lessening those other emotions also helps us to turn the anger to productive pursuits.

Much of the fear and even anger is based either on the past or on the future, rather than on the present. A psychologist friend that I work with actually uses this fact when he counsels married couples who are fighting. He tells them that either of them can talk about anything, EXCEPT for anything having to do with the past or the future. He then proceeds with showing them how almost all of their arguments have to do with things that have already happened and cannot be changed, or those things that haven't happened yet and so have no basis in reality. In other words, he teaches them to live in the "now" rather than in the "then" or "will be".

I think that this is a valuable lesson we can all learn from. Next time you feel fear, pain, or anger, ask yourself...are you responding to something that has already happened and that cannot be changed? Are you responding to some future event that hasn't happened yet and may or may not happen? Or are you responding to something in the now? If you aren't responding to something in the now, the fear, pain, or anger isn't very important. Yes, easier said than done, but it is yet one more tool we have for controlling our anger and other emotions, rather than letting them control us.

Thats sometimes, it might be a really good reason for the present, but sometimes the past will creep in on me and make me stay mad longer and get bitter and began to feel sorry for myself, and then it only add to make me more angry.

__________________
When a man sleeps in his bed, his soul leaves him to soar above, each soul according to its own way.......
The Zohar

That is a warning sign that you are going into an anger cycle. There are two things to learn (and it is a continual process...I am still learning, like everyone else). First, to identify the "living in the past" part as early as possible. Second, to control it. (The earlier you identify it, the easier it is to control.)

Each person is different, so interventions that will work with one person, may not with another. The trick is to figure out what WILL work with you. That might take trial and error, but it can be done. The problem with most people is that they have never, ever really been taught to control or channel their thoughts and emotions. So at first, it is VERY hard to do. It helps to have a friend or mentor who can help you when you feel that way. They can be someone you can phone, go see, or email, but should be someone you trust, who knows what you are trying to accomplish, and who will use positive reinforcement rather than ridicule or negative words and thoughts.

I am curious if anyone here is familiar with Borderline Personality Disorder? Someone very close to me, a male, has this, and it is devastating for those of us that are close to this person.

It seems this disorder stuffs and hides their anger, instead of resolving it. It seems to be a coping skill that is classically conditioned since childhood, yet doesn't shows up until their older teens or early twenties. Additionally, they are not inclined to therapy, because although it is NOT normal for us... it is normal to them. Further, past counseling was inaffective, usually due to misdiagnosis. It's a Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde type of personality, and Mr. Hyde is VERY angry.

Researching the traditional methods have NOT been promising. Most claim "no cure". It seems a technique called DBT has had good and bad comments from Borderlines, mostly non-impressive. Whatever treatment is suggested is always LONG TERM and extremely expensive, usually $20,000 or more with no garauntees. I am hoping people here with alternative healing interests might know of an approach I'm not familiar with yet.

Thanks in advance, for any insights you may have.

I've known a few people like this, including our daughter. She was hit by a car when she was 6, carried 30 feet, thrown 30 feet, and rolled 30 feet. Besides a concussion, he brain no longer produces an enzyme that a 'normal' brain produces. Interestingly, most of the symptoms lessened tremendously when she had a baby...something to do with the hormones that were produced...but the problem hasn't ever gone completely away. Counseling does help, but there are also helpful herbal treatments. Try St. John's Wort. It takes about 3 weeks of taking it before there will be a noticeable change, but it could help quite a bit. My guess is that there are substances that his brain isn't producing or that for whatever reason, he can't use. He should NOT use any mind altering drugs, though, and that includes alcohol, caffeine, or nicotine. These will just make matters worse. (Our daughter both smokes and drinks coffee...we learned this one the hard way.)

Thanks Rev. Rex. This male also had a traumatic event at age 18 and is now 25. However, I think this pattern started before that time, just exacerbated by the terrible event. It appears he has an amnesic barrier between these two sides of him, the angry side and the nice side. I was hoping there would be some way to start permeating this barrier and encourage the flow of knowledge on both sides to gradually mingle, creating a whole person. I'll try and suggest the John's Worts, although it is difficult to sustain a treatment when any sign of positive results takes so long to manifest.

You're fortunate that your daughter has significantly healed, and your success story gives me hope. Hope is a valuable gift, and thanks again.

Question is how does one get past the frustration that builds to anger? I know ya can't change what happened in the past gotta learn to accept things this is what i am having a hard time with i was never very good with change. weather is with relationships or a change in your every day work schedule.. This is what i am going thru kinda right now i need to somehow find a sense of peace within myself before i can fully move on..

I have a son who seems to have the same issues that you do. I find that teaching him to notice signs of change before changes happen help him to set his mind to that change.

An exercise to try is to set a schedule for yourself. You do task A for so long (even if it is not finished), and then move to task B. Set an alarm clock for ten minutes before the change as a "warning," then set an alarm clock for five minutes before the change as a second "warning" and then set another alarm clock for the actual time for the change in tasks. This allows you to train your brain for warnings that a transition is happening, and allows you to prepare yourself before hand.

I understand that the warnings for transition in actual life will not be as obvious as an alarm clock, but the principle is the same. If you can train yourself to accept transitions, you can learn to notice the slight signs that come with those transitions, thereby allowing yourself to accept those changes in life. Not all changes come with signs and warnings, but this will help you through most transitions.

Please be patient with the method. It took several months before we noticed a change in my son. With an adult, it could take even longer to retrain how your brain works. So be patient and keep working. This could work for you, and if not, keep searching. There is a solution for you out there.

Just knowing that you want that inner peace is a great step towards it. I'm not always peaceful, and sometimes even little things can bring great frustration and anger. It takes alot of practice and I like what Rev Kelly said about warnings - the earlier I catch myself focusing on the negative aspects (or usually the imagined negative aspects) the easier it is to let go of them. For example, I'm often running to be on time for one thing or another, and find myself behind a slow driver. Immediately, I start to imagine all the bad things that will happen if I'm not on time. I have to consciously choose to change that mental image, and the way I do it is to remember that total love (what I think of as God) surrounds me all the time, so even if I had to sit at a stop light forever, I would still have that love available to me. It seems to work for me. Fighting myself or putting myself down for it doesn't work either.

I'm still practicing on little things - but I have found that I don't dwell on anger as much as I used to. I used to relive conversation and try to analzye people's motivations, and I don't do much of that anymore, which is a great relief.

Good Luck and Keep Practicing! Thank's for your post, comet.

Thanks rev Kelly,

I already been doing this i guess just looking for either closure or a sense of peace not sure if that is worded right. I'm cool right now i am a strong person so its hard when we can't fix certain things in life and just accept it! also i am anemic too i get into little bouts of depressed state i generally snap out of it!