Much anger and fights come from the interaction between men and women. But a lot of them can be resolved by understanding that there really is a difference in the way that the two think. Knowing this has helped MANY marriages. Let me explain.

All through our lives, females are taught to release and/or express their emotions They learn that emotions are healthy, which they are.

At the same time, males are taught to suppress their emotions, except possibly the one to fight. (Ladies, if you wish that your husband or boyfriend would show a little more emotion, blame his upbringing...males are almost forced not to do that, from a very early age. I can go into how, but that isn't important at this point...society has dictated that this is so, so it is.)

The result is incredibly simple to understand. Men are expected to be problem solvers, whether they are or not. Women are not expected to be problem solvers, whether they are or not.

So, presented with a problem:

A man will usually figure out a solution, THEN vent.

A woman will usually vent (remember the part about showing and releasing emotions), THEN work at solving the problem.


This can cause a fundamental misunderstanding at a very basic level, if neither realizes this simple fact. I'll give an example.

Annie comes walking in, obviously angry. Fred, her husband, asks (rather stupidly) if anything is wrong.

Annie launches into a tirade about how she was cut off in traffic, had to deal with rude people, and just now, as she pulled up to the house, the tire on the car went flat.

Fred jumps up to fix the tire, and is instantly bewildered when Annie goes totally ballistic on him.

Did Fred do something wrong? Yes. What?

When Annie came in, she wanted to vent, to release all the pent up emotions. Yes, she DOES want the problem (the tire) fixed, but she wants to vent first. Fred, being the problem solver, fixes his attention on the problem, and NOT on her venting, which just makes Annie madder, and a fight ensues.

What should Fred have done or said? He should have listened to her problems, empathized with her, sympathized, listened to her, then when she was done venting, THEN fix the problem.

Rex, this is great, but kinda basic. Here is one that should amuse you for a while. What does one do when the frustrations have been vented, a solution has been decided on, but there is no follow through from the other partner?

Ahhhhh yes... people are creatures of habit. *sigh*
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However, something I've been told about men and women is indicative to their expected roles.

Boys grow up playing games in which they collaborate to achieve a goal, such as baseball, cops and robbers, build a fort.

Girls grow up playing games in which they establish relationships, such as Tami and Barbi, house, school, tea parties.

Therefore it seems men are inclined towards collaborating to achieve the goal in their marriage, and women have tendencies towards establishing a meaningful relationship, as their priorities. Even though they both think they are doing what is expected from the other in these areas, the definition of and means by which the goal or relationship is accomplished are often defined and weighted differently by their counterpart.

So, in the opening topic's example, IMO, the wife came home hoping to discuss things she couldn't with anyone else, really. She wanted to feel a relationship between the two. He wanted to collaborate and achieve the goal of fixing everything.

Maybe it is the same with the post I sited above too?

It seems today's society doesn't want to work things out, just move onto the next relationship. That's really sad, IMO, and leaves them missing the best things in life. Relationships of convenience is terrible for the children, and it's working through the good and bad that bond people closer in the end than they were in the beginning. Anyway, I applaud you two for working on your relationships, as it will give you the most precious commodity in America today.

If men OR women don't follow through, that is a legitimate complaint. It happens too often, but it does happen. I also understand that both men and women have a time frame in mind, and a priority idea, so this doesn't include when things aren't done "soon enough", but ARE done. Again, that is in the realm of "reasonable." If my wife wants a tire changed five minutes from now, that is not reasonable and is not going to happen unless there is an emergency. If I feel hunger pains and I want dinner now, that is unreasonable, and it isn't going to happen (whether I fix it, or whether she does). Some people are just plain unreasonable, regardless of gender, belief, religion, or what not. It is an equal opportunity fault.

My ex wife and I married when we were nineteen years old and our marraige lasted 34 years. I am now convinced that my wife resolved to rear the children until their eighteenth birthday and then strike out alone. In effect she had sacrificed her young years and opportunities of travel and adventure for her children. In the interim, based upon long, harboured resentment and simple exagerations, even untruths I now apear to have been made redundant, and to be honest, I feel cheated

Women have a tendency to have LONG memories. They could be less likely to let go of past hurts than a man would.

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Well, maybe I am an oddball (no comments from the peanut gallery ), but when I come in with a problem like that, I am very relieved when, instead of doing the whole listening/emphasizing routine, my boyfriend just tells me to sit down and collect myself while he goes out to fix the problem.

For some, I suppose it could seem brusque, but for me, it takes all the pressure off, and helps me let go of the problem.

There'll be plenty of time to vent later, if there is still any venting to be done... what with the problem fixed and all.

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Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
Love is the law, Love under Will.
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The version of this that I have heard many times is yes a man wants to fix the problem and a woman just wants to be heard. Let's say a woman has a problem at work. She comes home and wants to talk about it. Her husband gives suggestions about how to fix the problem and the woman just wanted to talk. She's frustrated because she couldn't talk it out and is made to feel she doesn't have the brains to figure it out herself. He's frustrated because she doesn't really want his help, she just wants to be heard.

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