I feel inspired to share my experience and escape from my abusive marriage, in hope that it may make a diiference in someone's life to find the courage to end an abusive realtionship.

I was divorced from my first husband and had a child of 3 years when I met my second husband. He was a model and went to school to become an interior designer. I was fascinated by his looks and his great taste for Art and design.

Shorty after we met signs started to show up and I was aware of them, but ignored them. Mainly for two reasons: One he carried me on his hands and two I did not want to see them....I was in love.

A half a year into our relationship I got pregnant and for the first time we had a fight. In this fight he fist layed hands on me. He "only" pushed me...but that was enough for me to separate from him.

But we got back together. He appologized and I was pregant with his baby. We went on a mini vacation and had long talks.

Everything went well and he was truly a caring father to my first born and a loving partner to me. Then the baby was born.

One day while breastfeeding my baby, he came home and came straight at me a hit me in my face. Without any reason.

I separated from him again....this time for good. But I could not keep him out of the house. Once he came over the balcony (I lived in the third floor) and once he broke open the front door. When he was on the balcony I called the police...when he broke down the door it happened too fast and he beat me good. He wore cowboy boots and kicked me in my face and all over my body.

But that was not the worst. My kids (1 year old and 7 years old) stood there screaming watching everything. I did not feel any physical pain but the pain seeing my kids standing there watching this and me not able to help them...was beyond expression.

I ended up in the hospital and my kids went with my sister until I was released.

I moved out of that appartment and only returned to get my stuff. I got an appartment immediately that was "unlisted" through a protection program they have in Germany.

Then about 2 years later he found us. While shopping for food one day at a local grocery, I heard a voice from behind me... do you need help with carrying? My heart sank to the ground. I was scared to death and did not know what to do.

The police in Germany will only act if someone is actually harming you at the moment. At that time there was no protection plan set up like here in America with a restraining order. I was on my own.

I did not know if he knew where I lived and where the kids were. So I started a conversation with him as my mind was still going like crazy thinking what to do. Back then they didn't even have cell phones!

He walked me home and I told him that we could try it again but it would be best to keep separate households for now. He agreed.

We evn got married and had another child, but the fear was still there and the abuse...and me working on a plan to get out..and get out for good. I lived a double life.

The kids and I decided that the only way we could "loose" him was to go to America. We went for a vacation first to check things out. Then when we came back to Germany we started to plan our move...which was more like an escape. I told the kids ( the two older ones) that they could take along whatever they liked, but try to narrow it down. I had 11 large boxes that I hid in the attic.

I sold everything I owned, but told everyone that they could not pick up the pieces (furniture, electronics, washer & dryer and so on) until I was gone. I gave one of them the key to the appartment and canceled my lease.

Then the day of our departure came. My husband went to work.... soon after the boxes were picked up and soon after that, the taxi arrived to drive us to the airport.

None of us talked in the Taxi. It was like we were holding our breath. Once in the airplane we released the stress and all of us cried.

I know how hard it is to end an abusive relationship, but noone deserves to live under fear. My kids gave me the strenght I needed. I knew that if I did not say "no" to this abuse, they would take it for a "yes". Find what makes you strong...and then do it! You deserve it!

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May your awareness be perfection

Kudos to you on finding your own way out of a horrific situation. Often times we don't know what feats of strength and fortitude we are capable of until we are forced into a fight or flight situation. In this case, both worked well for you. Having never experienced anything like your story, I can do nothing but sympathize. However, you have my admiration and respect for what you've done for you and your children.

Octavius

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"The Lord can make you tumble, the Lord can make you turn, the Lord can make you overflow...but the Lord can't make you burn." - Randy Newman

Thanks Octavius. Sharing my expereince here feels good. It is the first time I went back in my thoughts and relived everything...but I am o.k. no hate, anger or resentment. Thanks for listening : )

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May your awareness be perfection

Hi Viv - thanks for sharing that. I can imagine the anxiety through those years, as I experienced a bit of it myself in an earlier relationship. I know the fear and the feeling of disorientation on seeing the person. It's hard to think clearly and often the person is quite good at telling us what we want to hear at the time. In my case, I was engaged to someone who (I learned later) had a borderline personality.

I know of many women (and there are probably quite a few men as well) who have gotten themselves out of an abusive situation. Unfortunately, alot of women stay because they already have been made to feel powerless. Your testimony shows that there is a way to get out if you want to, even if you have to move with your children to another country. It also shows that the sooner we take action, the better.

Viv, that is an amazing story. Thanks for telling it.

I'm just now coming up on the eighth anniversary of leaving an abusive relationship. Yes, there is indeed a way out, and there is life in abundance after abuse.

The things that helped me the most were adhering to strict no-contact (communicating with ex only through my legal counsel), and making the acquaintance of a lively support forum where I could rant about my experiences.

Fear, lack of resources and damaged self-esteem are three major complications that keep people in bad relationships (or draw them back in if they did leave... Not many people leave and stay gone on the first try.) Access to knowledgeable people, interim financial support and supportive friends, family, employers and clergy can literally make the difference between life and death.

Vivamis123,

So sorry for these things that have happened, and you did what you had to do.

I don't want to be an... Jesus (can I say "asshole" here?), (can I say "Jesus"?) - anyway - do you feel "safe" now? I mean, is he the type of guy that will come across an ocean to hurt you? Have you taken any sort of "self-defense" classes? You need to know what kind of crazy you're dealing with here. You express this, and judging from certain obvious clues, this was quite a while ago, so you are most likely "okay". But for those that have had recent attacks, or would be going through the same thing, quite possibly in the present, and fortuitously reading this - what is the "best" option?

I mean, bluntly, what DO you do? I am a man, and I can be mean, and I know if my kids were taken from me, I might not ever stop trying to find them. Truth is, I am most happily married, and I would never, ever, do any of the things you have pointed out... but I do understand a little bit of the psychopath, what can stop them?

This is a terribly sexist, racist, unbalanced world. Money always helps... I don't want to be bleak, but the reality of this is unsettling. What options are available? What can be done to stop this? Really?

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Great questions David...which I don't truly have definite answers for. Maybe there are many answers and different answers for different people. From my own expereince I had to stop being affraid.

Today I step up when I see or even suspect abuse, and I talk openly about it...in hopes that others too step up to the plate. Too much is going on behind "closed doors". I think as long as we continue to look the other way...we are saying yes to the abuse that is going on in this world.

The key to bringing change about in my opinion is to hate the action...not the person. I think about it this way: If I want clean teeth...I brush them....yet I don't dwell on how "bad" those bacterias are that attack my teeth. Maybe I'll even take it further and see how I can avoid bacterias in mouth....maybe buiding a healthy system where all works together for the good of the whole : )

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May your awareness be perfection

Great answer, and thank you. I know there is not one great "panacea" for this "epidemic", and it truly is one... not being afraid at some point would be the healthiest. However, fear in the immediate presence of such abuse is not a bad thing. This is the type of fear that saved you and your children, and that should never evoke shame.

On the analogy of bacteria... I have somewhat of a medical background...

Truth be told about your statement - you have to kill the "bad" bacteria. It will be the brush and fluoride, or the white blood cells hanging around - but the fight is there, and something's gotta give. So, either mechanical elimination, or let nature take its course...

Maybe not the best, most peaceful answer, but I happen to like it.

David.

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Viv-
Your bravery and course of action sets a an excellent example for others who can see no way out of their personal situation. For those who think of themselves victims, you are a hero and a light at the end of the tunnel. God has blessed you in ways that has moved you to share how you chose to change the future of your and your children's lives. Perhaps He has given you a "calling" to continue to do so for all those who are in an endless cycle of fear and forgivness.

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Only Love Prevails,
Don

Thank you Don....you may be right. If it's God's will...it will be : ) Much love to you.

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May your awareness be perfection